Pray

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An Elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary.  
The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had  
moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. 

Holding hands they walked back to their old school. 
It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk  
they'd shared where Andy had carved 'I love you, Sally.' 

On their way back ho me, a bag of money fell out of  
an armored car, practically landing at their feet. 
Sally quickly picked it up, but not sure  
what to do with it, they took it home.  
There, she counted the money:   
fifty-thousand dollars!  

Andy said, 'We've got to give it back.'  

Sally said, 'Finders keepers.'  

She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 
The next day, two FBI men were canvassing the neighborhood  
looking for the money and knocked on the door. 

'Pardon me, but did either of you find a bag  
that fell out of an armored car yesterday?' 
  
Sally said, 'No.'  

Andy said, 'She's lying. She hid it up in the attic.'  

Sally said, 'Don't believe him, he's getting senile.' 

The agents turn to Andy and began to question him.  

One says:  'Tell us the story from the beginning'  
Andy said, 'Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday . . ..'

The first FBI guy turns to his partner and says, 'We're outta here.'

Taxi Driver

Man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.
Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'

Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard
him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'

Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'

Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died.

I married his widow.

Letter From Grandma

I got a letter from Grandma the other day. She writes...

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore
and saw a "Honk If You Love Jesus " bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day
because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,
followed by a thunderous prayer meeting;
so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, I'm glad I did!
What an uplifting experience that followed!

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection
just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is...

And I didn't notice that the light had changed.
It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus
because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed!

I found that LOTS of people love Jesus!
Why, while I was sitting there,

The guy behind me started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed,
"For the love of GOD! GO! GO! JESUS CHRIST, GO!"

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking!
I just leaned out of my window
and started waving and smiling at all these loving people.
I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!

There must have been a man from Florida back there
because I heard him yelling something about a
"sunny beach"...
I saw another guy waving in a funny way
with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.
When I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat
what that meant, he said that it was probably
a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii;
so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back.
My grandson burst out laughing...
why even he was enjoying this religious experience!

A couple of the people were so caught up
 in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars
and started walking towards me.
I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended,
but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers, grinning,
and drove on through the intersection.
I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad
that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared;
so I slowed the car down, leaned out the window
and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign
one last time as I drove away.

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!

Hospitals 101

A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,
SAID, "HELLO, I'D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I'D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE."
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,
"WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?"
SHE SAID, "SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302."
"I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION."
"3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?"
"I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302."
"JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE'S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,
HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE
AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE'S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS  IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O' CLOCK."

THE WOMAN SAID," THANK GOD!
THAT'S WONDERFUL"
OH! THAT'S FANTASTIC.
THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS! "
THE NURSE SAID," FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!"
"NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!
AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!"

Smile

Always try to help a friend in need
Believe in yourself

Study hard

Give lots of kisses

Laugh often
Don't be overly concerned with your weight, it's just a number

Always try to see the glass half full

Meet new people, even if they look different to you

Remain calm, even when it seems hopeless

Take lots of naps. . .

Be weird whenever you have the chance

Love your friends, no matter who they are

Don't waste food

RELAX

Take an occasional risk

Try to have a little fun each day.
...it's important

Share a joke with friends

Fall in love with someone. . .

...and say 'I love you' often

Express yourself creatively

Be conscious of your appearance

lways be up for surprises

Love someone with all of your heart

Share with friends

Watch your step

It will get better

There is always someone who loves you more than you know

Exercise to keep fit

Live up to your name

Seize the Moment

Hold on to good friends; they are few and far between

Indulge in the things you truly love

Cherish every Sunday

At the end of the day.... PRAY

......... And close your eyes
And smile at least once a day!

Conspiracy Theories Right Here In Our Own Country!

Have you noticed that stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier.

And, everything is farther away. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was

Dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become!

And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones.

They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just

Keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until

They’re red in the face! What do they think I am a lip reader?

I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other

Hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old

Friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even

Recognize me.

I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this

Morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own reflection. Well, REALLY NOW

- Even mirrors are not made the way they used to be!

Another thing, everyone drives so fast these days! You're risking life and

Limb if you happen to pull onto the motorway in front of them. All I can

Say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech

And swerve in my rear view mirror.

Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they

Suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think

No one notices? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same

Prank. Do they think I actually 'believe' the number I see on that dial?

HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people

Think they're fooling?

I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but

The telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the

Phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in

There!

Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer

These awful indignities.

Can't Beat A Cape Coloured

An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening.  After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified.  He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.  Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.  The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked:

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT.  It just pops into your head.  There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there.  A thought is the fastest thing I know of" "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A INDIAN MAN).  "Hmm .... let me see.  A blink!  It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened.  A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer.  "The blink of an eye .that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply."  Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch.  When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant.  TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of.  "The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.  "It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said

Turning to the fourth and final man (A COLOURED MAN), the interviewer posed the same question.  It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."  "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.  "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man.  "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already ka..ed in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB................